just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
