So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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