I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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