The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
