Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
