last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Come see our sink grown plant.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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