at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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