I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You smell like a Billy Joel song
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
