Moan for me like Helen Keller
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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