There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
