I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
