4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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