Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
