Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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