While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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