You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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