I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize