Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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