I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize