Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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