First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
