i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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