I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
