nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
