ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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