Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
