im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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