Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
