He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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