i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
