i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
