Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Randomize
