I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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