Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
