I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
