my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
