I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Pants are for mortals
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
