Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
