Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
