I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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