Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
A+ Viking dick
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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