Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
