Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I puked a lego.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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