My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
