Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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