o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
