NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
