my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
