I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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