we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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