final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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