I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize