What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
