At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
