so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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