Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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