I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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