she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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