well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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