everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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