Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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